[ all of this memory causing glass sure is inconvenient, isn't it? it's crazy how it just seems to be in the most random of places! xie lian, who happens to not be a particularly unlucky person, should not be having the issues that he is having with these terrible little shards, but, alas.
he's picking up what looks like a bottle - close enough to joonghyuk, maybe coming to say hello briefly - when one of the fancy shards of glass falls out of the top of it and right into his hands.
your feet pound against the golden pavement of the heavens, and palaces go by you in a blur. you can feel spiritual energy that leaks off of you in waves - you are the young god taizi dianxia, the crown prince who pleased the gods, the prince of xian le, and today, you are running in desperation.
you slam open the doors of the palace of the heavenly emperor, interrupting what looks to be an important meeting. a handsome, older man with dark hair wearing a headdress looks up at you from his throne - jun wu, the heavenly emperor, who looks across at you with mild curiosity, and his usual fondness. this man is almost a father to you. maybe that's why you are fine speaking out of turn. (maybe it's because you are always fine speaking out of turn, when you're impassioned enough.) ]
My lord-- [ you say, bluntly, completely interrupting everything ] I'm descending to the mortal realm.
[ the heavenly emperor blinks mildly at you as the entire meeting comes to a stop. you could hear a pin drop.
after a moment, his highness closes his mouth, and speaks, his voice gentle. "Xianle... I am aware of what's happening, but you must remain calm."
you shake your head. ] My lord, I didn't come to request permission. I came to inform. My people - [ and you love your people, more than just as your devotees, you love every single one of them as fiercely as they have ever loved you, with every fiber of your body, and their despair overwhelms you ] -are currently sunken in the depths of hell, so please forgive me if I cannot remain calm.
[ plague. war. drought. destruction. everything in xian le is falling apart by the moment.
the heavenly emperor sighs. "The universe has its own rhythm. Do you not realize that if you descend to appear before mortals, it will be a violation of heavenly law?"
something about that just lights a fire in your heart. the law? the law your people are dying, are suffering, and you're up here doing paperwork? you won't. you won't, you won't. you refuse, and you cry - ] IF IT'S A VIOLATION, THEN SO BE IT!
[ you are barely seventeen years old, and you have just defied the heavenly emperor.
shock ripples through the crowd, and murmuring starts, but you ignore them, your eyes only for the heavenly emperor, as you bend to bow. your heartbeat sings with spiritual energy. with pride. with determination, that floods your core. ]
Pray my lord let me go this once; just give me a little time. Since the fighting has started, casualties are unavoidable, but if I could stop this and reduce the number of dead, minimize the conflict, then after the fighting ends I will for sure return willingly to repent, and have my lord sentence me as see fit. Whether I shall be sealed under a mountain for a hundred years, a thousand years, a hundred thousand years--I WILL NOT REGRET!
[ you shout the final word of your sentence - adrenaline courses through you. you remain bowed low out of respect, and take a step back, but you do not turn. determined, fists clenched at your sides, ready to do everything for xian le. for them, for them, for them.
"Xianle!"
the emperor's voice rings out.
you pause, mid step, and hear him sigh. "You can't save everyone."
and that is where you're wrong, you think, fiercely. the tiny fire in your heart blazes into a wildfire.
you stand up to your full height, seventeen year old prince turned god about to be mortal, again, and lock eyes with the emperor. ]
Whether I can, I won't know until I've tried. Even if the heavens say I must die, if that sword doesn't pierce my heart and nail me dead on the ground, then I am still alive, and till my last breath, I will struggle to the end!
[ and in the end, you do not turn away from him. you still kowtow, to the emperor, because he is the person you respect most in the entire world.
but you walk straight out of that door facing him, eyes on his, and when the black shackle of being banished wraps around your neck, you don't look back.
you're going to save your people. you refuse to let the laws of godhood - stupid, stupid laws - be the reason that a single person suffers. not on your watch. not on your life. you will do anything for the people of xian le.
you will not let them fall. you became a god to help them, and become a god is what keeps you from them. the laws of the heavens are confining. frustrating. cruel.
so you throw it away.
you will not simply watch as your world falls apart.
[ Joonghyuk is close enough to be affected by the shard, but he doesn't touch it himself. Instead, Niah seems to nudge some of the glass that has fallen onto the floor, curious much like himself. What a mistake.
Your name is Yoo Joonghyuk. This is your 1863rd regression... You are on your 1864th life. You're tired, having gone through the scenarios the same amount of times, but this round has been different. Someone else that never showed up in the previous rounds. She was annoying, obnoxious, but she proved to be a useful ally. Eventually, she rose to be the leader of your group. You and your companions relied on her and you all have gotten to the final scenario because of her, but to say you haven't had to make sacrifices is wrong. You've just made less.
... She told you that we could only progress if you lose your master. If you lose the woman you loved. If you lose your sister—it isn't the first time you've lost them, but your heart suffers from a dull pang whenever you think about them. How many times have you steeled yourself? Repressed your emotions? You just need to do it again because this world is so close to being saved. How is it that it was hard at the beginning of your regressions, then easier, then harder, then easier, and now it's harder again.
The apocalypse is nigh and the dragon that is to descend to wipe the world clean will come. This is the last hurdle, the last lap, and your leader has been piecing together a plan on how to conquer it, but she tells you that she needs resources. She needs numbers. She needs power.
People come together either for one goal or against one enemy. That is the proposal she gives you.
"Become the villain of this story, Yoo Joonghyuk. It's the only way."
... It's not like you haven't been cruel. You've been unkind for so many years. You've killed so many people—elderly, women, children—and there's barely any regret in your bitter heart anymore. She is telling you that with this you can save the world, but you have your doubts. You wonder how many sacrifices will need to be made again. And... Ultimately, you don't want to be hated by your fellow comrades; you've fought alongside them for more years than they remember. They are your family despite everything. Before you get claimed by your swirling thoughts, she adds more.
"I can find a way to end this for you... You won't need to regress anymore. Or do any of this again."
It isn't an ideal end. It isn't the happy ending you have been longing for and your questions still haven't been answered. Yet her words are like honey, sweet and tempting. Knowing how resourceful and brilliant she is, there is a sliver of muddled hope. Tens of thousands of years you've been fighting. Now someone is offering you rest.
You accept her proposal. You will be the villain of this story, the enemy of the world. In exchange, she will find you your grave.
being thrown out of his own memories is - a lot, at first. xie lian opens his eyes again, surprised, and has exactly enough time to process that yoo joonghyuk says something to him, before he's being thrown into another one entirely.
a woman, brilliant, and a cruel choice - loss. the pang of it aches even after he blinks free of the music and the memory, and is left staring at joonghyuk in surprise.
he opens his mouth, closes it. ]
... I think you are too.
[ there's sort of a tired wanness to this statement. no heat behind it - just soft, affected, and... maybe even like recognizing like, a little. xie lian became the villain of his own story, once, and not of his own choice; even still, he can recognize the weight of what yoo joonghyuk did.
he lifts his hand and presses it to his own chest for a moment, san lang curling up at his legs. ]
...we do such stupid things to help others. [ in that same, quiet voice. ] How long ago was that, Mr. Joonghyuk...?
… Rather than that helping others, I thought of only myself.
[ There’s emphasis on their difference. Xie Lian wanted to save people, at least try. It’s a notion he’s familiar with, the failure that comes from it even more so. Defying the gods or not, Joonghyuk knows a story cannot be without sacrifice. You cannot save everyone.
(But he wants to believe differently. It’s always like this.)
Because, you know, he just… Wanted to die which is impossible. The next best thing is to never wake up and he’s curse the whole world with him. He crosses his arms, a usual stance he takes—defensive. Niah’s ears pin back, though the wolf daemon doesn’t show more signs of unease.
Joonghyuk is used to being watched—used to having his story sold to the gods, but in this world he gets some semblance of privacy even with the Watchers listening. ]
You wanted a happy ending, and to save your world. [ sounds pretty nice to him, buddy!!
anyway. it doesn't last, though - there's no unkindness in how he points it out - and san lang makes a soft noise, hopping down from xie lian's shoulder and sitting down in front of niah, pinned ears and all. the tiniest ferret, in the face of a big bad wolf.
though, even so - the last part surprises him. ]
...Do you feel any closer to solving it, now? [ even after that?
he doesn't say, but it hangs in the space between them. ]
[ don't use his lines against him!! fool! He grows quiet because... As he thinks back to that round, he was ready to die at any moment. For months, he found nothing to lift up that despair and weariness, until hope came to him in an anomaly.
Niah, despite being a large black wolf, has never seemed to bark at anyone... He is just large, maybe sometimes growls, but mostly well-behaved. ]
I don't want to die anymore. [ That has changed and that's why he's here. ] Did you save your people?
[ His expression softens, though he's still frowning. They can enjoy the silence, though Niah pads over to check on Xie Lian with little distanced sniffs. ]
... But it was worth it, wasn't it? Xie Lian. [ Finally, he breaks the silence with a question. ] To know you did everything you could.
[ ... that's the first time anyone has ever asked him something like that.
his eyes go a little wide, as niah comes into his space and he looks down at the wolf. ]
...
[ xie lian thinks about it. he really, truly does - he thinks about xian le, burning. he thinks about the desperate, sobbing faces of his citizens. their fury, their misery, their desperation, as the human face plague tore through the population, as the war horns of yong'an hemmed xian le in further, and further.
did he make it better? or did he just make it worse?
xie lian thinks about what it would have meant, to stay in the heavens and just watch. ]
...yes.
[ and the answer comes with confidence - with iron forged to steel, tempered by the flames of disaster that destroyed his home. ]
I said then that I would not regret. [ so it was worth it. ] I would have rathered face their fury head on and try, than to watch impassively from above. [ because ultimately, xie lian's godhood was never what it was about. he became a god because he was simply excellent enough to do so.
but it was a tool to save people - and when it failed to do so, he gave it up without an ounce of hesitation. ] I would not be an audience to someone else's suffering. Not if I can help it.
[ Niah looks up at him with his bright amber eyes... In them is a calm fire that can never be snuffed. There is a silence as they both allow Xie Lian to find his answer. It's something he can relate to—doing as much as you can, anything possible, even if in the end you fail. For worse or better, no one truly knows the outcomes.
It is not all for naught. ]
That's right. There's nothing to regret.
[ He only repeats Xie Lian's answer, like it's a reminder. ]
[ it is moments like these that it is obvious that xie lian was a prince - and maybe even more so, that there was something godly about him. he was chosen for ascension for a reason, and the strength of his character, hardened into steel, is one of them.
even his daemon - a tiny little creature, a ferret - straightens a bit where he stands.
there's nothing to regret. it's a reminder. ]
... I intend to find the creature who cursed Xian Le and caused the suffering, and I intend to remove him from the three realms with my own hand. No matter how long it takes.
[ a pause. ]
And you intend to find your ending - the right one. I pray that you do, Mr. Joonghyuk.
[ It's good to see Xie Lian has composed himself again to be who he always has been, or should always be. Joonghyuk has no words for the vow, only silent understanding that ambitions and drive is what helps everyone take another step forward.
Niah circles back to Joonghyuk, done with checking. The mention of his ending doesn't spur the same exuberance in him. Instead, he looks away. Almost filled with contempt. ]
... I will. Even if that means I have to force him to come back home.
[ He's confident in getting what he wants, no matter how long or how many times it takes. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w2, monday! 1/2
he's picking up what looks like a bottle - close enough to joonghyuk, maybe coming to say hello briefly - when one of the fancy shards of glass falls out of the top of it and right into his hands.
oops! ]
no subject
you are running for the grand martial hall.
your feet pound against the golden pavement of the heavens, and palaces go by you in a blur. you can feel spiritual energy that leaks off of you in waves - you are the young god taizi dianxia, the crown prince who pleased the gods, the prince of xian le, and today, you are running in desperation.
you slam open the doors of the palace of the heavenly emperor, interrupting what looks to be an important meeting. a handsome, older man with dark hair wearing a headdress looks up at you from his throne - jun wu, the heavenly emperor, who looks across at you with mild curiosity, and his usual fondness. this man is almost a father to you. maybe that's why you are fine speaking out of turn. (maybe it's because you are always fine speaking out of turn, when you're impassioned enough.) ]
My lord-- [ you say, bluntly, completely interrupting everything ] I'm descending to the mortal realm.
[ the heavenly emperor blinks mildly at you as the entire meeting comes to a stop. you could hear a pin drop.
after a moment, his highness closes his mouth, and speaks, his voice gentle. "Xianle... I am aware of what's happening, but you must remain calm."
you shake your head. ] My lord, I didn't come to request permission. I came to inform. My people - [ and you love your people, more than just as your devotees, you love every single one of them as fiercely as they have ever loved you, with every fiber of your body, and their despair overwhelms you ] -are currently sunken in the depths of hell, so please forgive me if I cannot remain calm.
[ plague. war. drought. destruction. everything in xian le is falling apart by the moment.
the heavenly emperor sighs. "The universe has its own rhythm. Do you not realize that if you descend to appear before mortals, it will be a violation of heavenly law?"
something about that just lights a fire in your heart. the law? the law your people are dying, are suffering, and you're up here doing paperwork? you won't. you won't, you won't. you refuse, and you cry - ] IF IT'S A VIOLATION, THEN SO BE IT!
[ you are barely seventeen years old, and you have just defied the heavenly emperor.
shock ripples through the crowd, and murmuring starts, but you ignore them, your eyes only for the heavenly emperor, as you bend to bow. your heartbeat sings with spiritual energy. with pride. with determination, that floods your core. ]
Pray my lord let me go this once; just give me a little time. Since the fighting has started, casualties are unavoidable, but if I could stop this and reduce the number of dead, minimize the conflict, then after the fighting ends I will for sure return willingly to repent, and have my lord sentence me as see fit. Whether I shall be sealed under a mountain for a hundred years, a thousand years, a hundred thousand years--I WILL NOT REGRET!
[ you shout the final word of your sentence - adrenaline courses through you. you remain bowed low out of respect, and take a step back, but you do not turn. determined, fists clenched at your sides, ready to do everything for xian le. for them, for them, for them.
"Xianle!"
the emperor's voice rings out.
you pause, mid step, and hear him sigh. "You can't save everyone."
and that is where you're wrong, you think, fiercely. the tiny fire in your heart blazes into a wildfire.
you stand up to your full height, seventeen year old prince turned god about to be mortal, again, and lock eyes with the emperor. ]
Whether I can, I won't know until I've tried. Even if the heavens say I must die, if that sword doesn't pierce my heart and nail me dead on the ground, then I am still alive, and till my last breath, I will struggle to the end!
[ and in the end, you do not turn away from him. you still kowtow, to the emperor, because he is the person you respect most in the entire world.
but you walk straight out of that door facing him, eyes on his, and when the black shackle of being banished wraps around your neck, you don't look back.
you're going to save your people. you refuse to let the laws of godhood - stupid, stupid laws - be the reason that a single person suffers. not on your watch. not on your life. you will do anything for the people of xian le.
you will not let them fall. you became a god to help them, and become a god is what keeps you from them. the laws of the heavens are confining. frustrating. cruel.
so you throw it away.
you will not simply watch as your world falls apart.
you're going home. ]
cw: suicide ideation
[ Joonghyuk is close enough to be affected by the shard, but he doesn't touch it himself. Instead, Niah seems to nudge some of the glass that has fallen onto the floor, curious much like himself. What a mistake.Joonghyuk... Frowns deeply. ]
no subject
being thrown out of his own memories is - a lot, at first. xie lian opens his eyes again, surprised, and has exactly enough time to process that yoo joonghyuk says something to him, before he's being thrown into another one entirely.
a woman, brilliant, and a cruel choice - loss. the pang of it aches even after he blinks free of the music and the memory, and is left staring at joonghyuk in surprise.
he opens his mouth, closes it. ]
... I think you are too.
[ there's sort of a tired wanness to this statement. no heat behind it - just soft, affected, and... maybe even like recognizing like, a little. xie lian became the villain of his own story, once, and not of his own choice; even still, he can recognize the weight of what yoo joonghyuk did.
he lifts his hand and presses it to his own chest for a moment, san lang curling up at his legs. ]
...we do such stupid things to help others. [ in that same, quiet voice. ] How long ago was that, Mr. Joonghyuk...?
no subject
… Rather than that helping others, I thought of only myself.
[ There’s emphasis on their difference. Xie Lian wanted to save people, at least try. It’s a notion he’s familiar with, the failure that comes from it even more so. Defying the gods or not, Joonghyuk knows a story cannot be without sacrifice. You cannot save everyone.
(But he wants to believe differently. It’s always like this.)
Because, you know, he just… Wanted to die which is impossible. The next best thing is to never wake up and he’s curse the whole world with him. He crosses his arms, a usual stance he takes—defensive. Niah’s ears pin back, though the wolf daemon doesn’t show more signs of unease.
Joonghyuk is used to being watched—used to having his story sold to the gods, but in this world he gets some semblance of privacy even with the Watchers listening. ]
Two regressions ago.
[ So… He didn’t “die.” ]
no subject
he frowns right back, stubbornly. ]
You wanted a happy ending, and to save your world. [ sounds pretty nice to him, buddy!!
anyway. it doesn't last, though - there's no unkindness in how he points it out - and san lang makes a soft noise, hopping down from xie lian's shoulder and sitting down in front of niah, pinned ears and all. the tiniest ferret, in the face of a big bad wolf.
though, even so - the last part surprises him. ]
...Do you feel any closer to solving it, now? [ even after that?
he doesn't say, but it hangs in the space between them. ]
no subject
Niah, despite being a large black wolf, has never seemed to bark at anyone... He is just large, maybe sometimes growls, but mostly well-behaved. ]
I don't want to die anymore. [ That has changed and that's why he's here. ] Did you save your people?
no subject
anyway. xie lian is silent, for a long moment. ]
...No.
[ his voice is soft. ] I didn't.
[ no matter what he did. no matter how hard he tried. no matter how many things he did - he could not save the people of xian le.
the white no face's voice echoes in his ears. you're going to lose! ]
no subject
... But it was worth it, wasn't it? Xie Lian. [ Finally, he breaks the silence with a question. ] To know you did everything you could.
[ Instead of just accepting what they said. ]
no subject
his eyes go a little wide, as niah comes into his space and he looks down at the wolf. ]
...
[ xie lian thinks about it. he really, truly does - he thinks about xian le, burning. he thinks about the desperate, sobbing faces of his citizens. their fury, their misery, their desperation, as the human face plague tore through the population, as the war horns of yong'an hemmed xian le in further, and further.
did he make it better? or did he just make it worse?
xie lian thinks about what it would have meant, to stay in the heavens and just watch. ]
...yes.
[ and the answer comes with confidence - with iron forged to steel, tempered by the flames of disaster that destroyed his home. ]
I said then that I would not regret. [ so it was worth it. ] I would have rathered face their fury head on and try, than to watch impassively from above. [ because ultimately, xie lian's godhood was never what it was about. he became a god because he was simply excellent enough to do so.
but it was a tool to save people - and when it failed to do so, he gave it up without an ounce of hesitation. ] I would not be an audience to someone else's suffering. Not if I can help it.
[ not if i can try. ]
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It is not all for naught. ]
That's right. There's nothing to regret.
[ He only repeats Xie Lian's answer, like it's a reminder. ]
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even his daemon - a tiny little creature, a ferret - straightens a bit where he stands.
there's nothing to regret. it's a reminder. ]
... I intend to find the creature who cursed Xian Le and caused the suffering, and I intend to remove him from the three realms with my own hand. No matter how long it takes.
[ a pause. ]
And you intend to find your ending - the right one. I pray that you do, Mr. Joonghyuk.
no subject
Niah circles back to Joonghyuk, done with checking. The mention of his ending doesn't spur the same exuberance in him. Instead, he looks away. Almost filled with contempt. ]
... I will. Even if that means I have to force him to come back home.
[ He's confident in getting what he wants, no matter how long or how many times it takes. ]
no subject
...Do you mean Kim Dokja? [ him, anyway.
its like wow you ever just realize your new mentor (assigned) and new friend (chosen) are kinda gay ]
no subject
Yes.